Co-parenting after separation is not easy – emotionally, mentally, or logistically; constantly juggling a whole array of emotions alongside new routines and schedules, whilst trying to navigate a break-up is extremely hard. But taking care of your mental health is equally as important as caring for your children. Here are five practical steps you can take to help you through what can be a very challenging time:
1. Shift Your Focus to the Children’s Needs and Not the Conflict
When a separation occurs, emotions run high – hurt, anger, grief, and fear often dominate the landscape and cloud people’s judgment. But for co-parents, one of the most powerful mindset shifts will be shifting the focus to protecting your child(ren)’s emotional world rather than point scoring against your ex-partner. Children do not just experience their parents’ separation; they absorb how the separation is handled. Ongoing conflict, passive-aggressive remarks and/or inconsistent routines can leave children feeling insecure, anxious and caught in the middle.
When parents prioritise their children’s emotional needs over conflict and personal grievances, it provides the child(ren) with stability and safety and the space to adjust to the new arrangements, which will enable them to thrive.
2. Create a Clear and Consistent Schedule
One of the most grounding things you can give your child during and after a separation is a sense of predictability. Keeping a regular and predictable routine will create a smooth transition for your child(ren) as well as reducing the amount of stress endured by everyone involved. Having a clear and consistent co-parenting schedule will also help to reduce anxiety, build trust and create emotional safety both for you and your child(ren).
When children know who they will be spending time with, and when, it creates routine and gives them a sense of control at a time which otherwise can feel very uncertain for them. It also provides you and your ex-partner/spouse with reduced opportunities for miscommunications, tensions or last-minute negotiations, which can only benefit the mental health of all involved.
3. Set Boundaries With Your Ex
Setting boundaries with your ex is not about being cold or confrontational – it’s about creating emotional safety, protecting your mental health and ensuring that your new dynamic as co-parents is respectful, manageable and child-focused. After separation, where you share children together, a new form of relationship begins, and it is therefore very important to have clear boundaries. Healthy boundaries allow you to co-parent from a place of clarity and calm without the lingering emotions, expectations or control dynamics.
Deciding on things like how and when you will communicate, whether it is necessary to use a Parenting App, setting boundaries in relation to unexpected calls or drop ins and outlining which decisions will require joint input, will all be very constructive in both prioritising your mental health and creating a healthy co-parenting pathway going forward.
4. Prioritise Self-Care and Seek Support
Make your well-being a priority and not a luxury – co-parenting can be emotionally draining, and so it is important to care for yourself as intentionally as you care for your children. Prioritise getting rest and exercise, and give yourself time to relax and decompress. Just as important as self-care is ensuring that you reach out for support where necessary, whether that be from friends and family, a therapist or a doctor. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness – it’s a way to stay resilient and emotionally available for your child(ren).
5. Celebrate Small Wins
Finally, notice and acknowledge when things do go well – whether it be a peaceful handover, good communication or noticing that your child is happy despite everything which may have gone on around them during the separation. These are all small moments, but they are small moments that matter. Celebrating the small wins when things go well is a huge boost to mental wellbeing.
At Howell Jones Surrey solicitors, we can play a key role in supporting your mental health during co-parenting by helping you to establish clear, structured agreements that reduce conflict and uncertainty. With the right legal advice and guidance, you can create boundaries, routines and parenting plans that both protect your peace of mind and support a healthier environment for your children as you each move on with your independent lives.
